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"...when all else fails, I have myself..."

My dear sister, Thu Le', once said to me, "You need to start writing everything down. Everytime you have a thought, write it down." Also, my practitioner said, "It'd be great if you kept a journal next to your bed, so when you wake up, you can write down the first thing that comes in your head." Hence, I started doing that. I like to put down as creatively as I can my theories towards therapy and life in general...I am open for debate (although I am pretty bad at it)...

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SUPPORTING EACH OTHER'S INSECURITIES...
Unfortunately, insecurity can present itself as anger and blame. This happens because the person who is feeling insecure has a hard time admitting it, so rather it comes out passively, or aggressively - or perhaps a combo of both. When a person is feeling insecure, they are in more child energy - they are not their 25 or 35 year old self. They are probably around six or seven.

Because of this, if you are the one they are coming to in that child energy - it may be challenging for you to be there for them - and the two of you may end up in conflict. What's needed is SUPPORT and EMPATHY. Here's a simple way to do that:

Imagine a seven-year old child coming up to you with insecurities. Even imagine them coming to you in a temper-tantrum way...Would you get mad at them? Would you start defending yourself and ask them, "Why do you take your issues out on me?" Of course you wouldn't!

Next time, see if you can relate to your partner in his/her child energy - the same way you would relate to a child who is worried or insecure. *Excerpt from my upcoming book entitled "US".

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THERAPY IS NOT A STIGMA. THERAPY IS GROWTH. GROWTH IS PRACTICE.
Too many times I hear that people think if you go to therapy it means there's something wrong with you. There is not. Experiencing any form of therapy is a pathway to growing, moving through the blockages, living a richer life, and enabling yourself to connect and just be. To allow you to roll with the moments and focus on the present, which may be difficult to do. Sometimes getting a little guidance from an objective, nonjudgmental place helps you to feel more open and, essentially, helps you grow. With this growth comes practice, practice, practice. Allowing yourself to practice knowing your needs, and satisfying them...with patience and compassion.

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It's All About Me...this is my mantra. Taking responsibility for ourselves, our behaviors, our decisions, and the care of our own self is empowering, loving, and necessary. The moment I truly grasped the idea that I have all I need inside of me to get where I want to go - to take care of myself - I felt empowered. I hear a lot of people give their power away when they say phrases such as, "He made me feel so stupid..." or "She made me so angry". From my experience anyone can do and/or say anything they want - but it is up to me as to how I choose to respond, and essentially how I choose to take care of myself in the moment. If I'm not able to make a choice and/or respond in a way that takes care of me, then that is what I need to look at and explore. That is possibly what needs to be healed.

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Relationships are our mirrors... they are our way of getting to know ourselves, our way of choosing to know ourselves. An intimate relationship can be just the reflection we need to lead us to the light of healing our traumas, great and small. Our traumas are what lead us to attainment, enlightenment - peace - harmony. When one can embrace their traumas and begin to appreciate the emotional pain and suffering they have experienced, they will be on their path to true healing and grace (...and fulfilling relationships!).

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LACK OF COMMUNICATION BREEDS RESENTMENT.

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Timing may not be everything but it can alter an unfolding of a person's life in a split second. A turn of the head, a missed exit, a traffic jam, a last minute decision to take a trip, an irresistable job offer across the country, an off comment - any one of these events can affect the way one's life unfolds, and all of them are influenced by how we perceive ourselves and life in that moment.

This is especially shown in relationships. How many times do you see couples date, move apart, and then reconcile later in life? Or see two really great people never get their paths to quite meet? He likes her, she likes him - but never at the same time. Or, you see two people that have been friends for years upon years finally get together? Or how many times have you watched yourself or a friend look back on an old love and have regret?

TIMING. It can kick your butt. It can make your day. It can catapult you into a new level of feeling and living. From my experience, we allow different levels of love to come into our lives depending on where we are at that time in our life. I have to say it again, timing can kick your butt - but it can undoubtedly, without question, lead you into the greatest experiences of your life, especially when it comes to falling in love. I look forward to embracing those moments when the timing is just on, and it feels like home.

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RESOLVING CONFLICT can be difficult and/or it can be easy. From my experiences, in order to stop resentment and the eventual demise of a relationship, the two people must communicate. Communication will occur from the standpoint of each person's willingness to take accountability for his/her behavior and see how s/he can adjust and heal in order to do things in a way that supports the relationship. This ability to take accountability is what could possibly make resolving the conflict difficult.

TRUST is created when we take accountability for our behaviors. We can trust ourselves to be capable of owning up to our mistakes and our faults. And, when others do the same - we can trust them. Taking accountability is a loving and emotionally grounding thing to do. It is also compassionate to ACCEPT ourselves and others - regardless of mistakes or faults. When we allow COMPASSION into our hearts, it opens up our ability to grow together and with others.

OWNERSHIP. Each person's ability to take accountability is most likely based on what they have learned and know to be true about themselves, other people, and relationships. If a person has learned in their childhood to withdraw, repress their feelings, point, blame, deny, etc,. most likely they will not be in a place to be conscious of their behavior and take accountability. If a person has learned in their childhood to express their feelings, communicate, listen to others, take personal responsibility, etc., s/he will have a better chance of doing just that. Conflict can be a significant gateway to invite each person to look at themselves internally.

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INTENTIONS MEAN NOTHING...
it is how the person has received it. For example, if I say something with absolutely no intentions of being hurtful, but my beloved ends up feeling hurt - for me to say, "Oh well, that's not what I meant, so..." would be unloving and inconsiderate. It is important to nurture any relationship you have, especially when feelings have been hurt. Regardless of your intention, being mindful of how it has been received - and nurturing any indirect hurt - will allow your relationship to be nourished and fulfilled.

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With all of this comes the need for consistency. CONSISTENCY BUILDS TRUST. Lack of consistency can lead to distrust. Bottom line.

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Living Life From the Inside Out...On January 31, 2003, I spent the day with the buddhist monks of the Deer Park Monestary and the venerable Thich Nhat Hanh. I used to believe that anyone that joined a monestary of any kind, whether it be the priesthood, a convent, a monk, etc., never truly lived. Today I asked myself, "Am I truly living?" What is the definition of "truly living" anyway? If we go according to mainstream America and nationwide media antics, I would have to say it is partying, sowing your oats, having relationships, and all other external ways of life. What about what is happening inside? Since I have gone on the internal journey, my way of living has undoubtedly shifted. There is nothing that money can buy, no stimulus that can be created, no love that can be shared that is as rich, energizing, and comforting as to what I can find when I search myself internally. Truly living is getting to a place of enlightenment when that search becomes natural, effortless, and cultural. We all struggle through life. We all suffer at some time or another. Today, I make a choice to practice not suffering and truly live life from the inside out.

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A Little Story About Four Characters You May Have Heard Of...
Have you ever met a character named ANXIETY? ANXIETY is a big ole' pain in the butt - always regretting the past and worrying about the future. DEPRESSION is ANXIETY'S best friend. It likes to jump in there with ANXIETY and do a little dance in your head. They cheer each other on and pat each other on the back. Then, along comes the PRESENT. The PRESENT gives ANXIETY and DEPRESSION a reality check - it takes deep breaths and grounds itself by hanging out with the MOMENT. The PRESENT and the MOMENT don't regret the past or worry about the future, they just chill together, enjoy one another, give each other support, and roll with the punches. ANXIETY and DEPRESSION fight for attention but since your directing your love and energy to the PRESENT and the MOMENT, they just wither away and become lifeless while the PRESENT and the MOMENT become powerful and strong!

© 2003 Aimee Zakrewski

{second body}

 



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Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist MFC43736 . Growth Oriented Healing © Aimee Zakrewski 2003 - 2010. All Rights Reserved