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Article
1: If the Whole World Were Accountable
Taking Ownership of your Thoughts, Emotions, Needs,
and Actions (TENA)
Article 2: Responsible Communication
During Conflict
Communicating in Adult Energy vs. Child Energy
Article
3: Relationship Quickie:
7 Basic Rules to Being Responsible in Your Relationships
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*These articles may be downloaded and reproduced by anyone as
long as they credit AZ GROWTH as follows:
© 2007-2008 by Aimee Zakrewski Clark and AZ GROWTH
Website: www.azgrowth.com Email: az@azgrowth.com
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Article
1: If the Whole World Were Accountable
Taking Ownership of your Thoughts, Emotions, Needs,
and Actions (TENA)
Jump to Dos and Don'ts
“The most precious
gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces
those we love, they will bloom like flowers.” ~
Thich Nhat Than
Note to reader: For this article, I would like to interchange
the act of being mindful with the act of being accountable,
simply because when you are mindful you are accountable –
you are present, open, and willing to acknowledge your thoughts,
emotions, needs, and actions (TENA). Here we go…
Imagine what it would be like if each person were truly accountable
for his or her actions and behaviors…
There would be no blaming, no “poor me” or pity
parties…there would be smiles to share versus frowns because
people would feel considered and respected…there would
be very little ego-induced arguments, and more conflict resolution,
as being “wrong” would be socially acceptable. Ahhh,
feels peaceful just to write about it.
Ok, back to reality:
The fact is: we live in a country where there is a strong desire
for freedom and security. In fact, many negative experiences
are often a result of feeling as if that very freedom and security
is being threatened. With the American way comes competition,
pride, social learning, self-preservation, fear, insecurity,
etc – all those normal things that make it quite challenging
to create the peaceful imagery above.
This is specifically why it is important for each individual
to hold themselves accountable for their actions and behaviors
on a daily basis. The big question is: how does one do that?
First: Understand Yourself:
Each person's ability to take accountability is most likely
based on what they have learned and know to be true about themselves,
other people, and relationships. Usually this is learned as
you are growing up through your primary caretakers and personal
experiences.
For example: If you have learned in your childhood/adolescence
to withdraw, keep your feelings inside, point, blame, deny,
etc., most likely you will not be in a place to be conscious
of your TENA and take accountability. (Some ways this may present
itself: Avoiding conflict, playing the victim, and/or constantly
pushing others away from you).
However, if you have learned in your childhood/adolescence to
express your feelings, communicate, listen to others, take personal
responsibility, etc., you will have a better chance of taking
accountability and being mindful of yourself and others.
Take a moment to check in and assess your self. Ask, “What
did I learn about taking accountability for my TENA?”
Second: Educate Yourself:
What does it mean to be accountable? Being accountable means
taking sole responsibility for your thoughts, emotions, needs,
and actions (the wonderful TENA). It enables you to take care
of your self, and your needs, without relying on someone else's
TENA in order for you to feel comfortable and happy in life.
Accountability supports you in maintaining your sense of empowerment,
and self-respect. When you practice self-respect, you acknowledge
and nurture your self-worth. And self-worth allows you to accept
your mistakes and ultimately take accountability for them.
Overall, it means knowing that you always HAVE CHOICE - and
you are able to create what you want in life on a daily basis.
Third: Take Action:
How can I practice being more accountable?
Keep it simple: read the Dos and Don'ts below. Pick
one to work with each week. Just like with any action or behavior,
it is all about Practice and Repetition.
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Five Solid “Dos and Don’ts”
on How to be Accountable:
1 •
One
DON’T: Spend
too much time blaming the other person. It is understandable
after any conflict that you may need some time to blow off steam.
Take some time out to vent, complain, and throw darts at the
other person, but then – as soon as possible – after
maybe 15-30 minutes or so…
DO: Make the You-Turn: Always look at
your part and take responsibility for it – regardless
of what the other person did. The other day my husband and I
had an argument. He said something that really hurt my feelings
and in return I threw a piece of bread at him (It was small).
Even though we both agreed what he said was hurtful, I took
accountability for my part and apologized for throwing the bread.
2
• Two
DON’T: Use
“victim” language. Examples: “She
makes me so angry”, “He makes me feel worthless”,
or “I had no choice.” All three of these represent
you putting accountability for your mental and emotional health
in someone else’s hands.
DO: Turn
the accountability back to you. How can you take care
of your anger? How can you support yourself to feel you are
worthy? How can you always find a way to have choice?
3
• Three
DON’T: Play the “I did this because you did
that” game, or the “You made me do it” game.
This is another form of victim language. Not only does it make
for a childish argument – but it completely takes away
your power!
DO: Stay in your own integrity. Regardless
of another person’s actions, choose to respond
in a way that you can look at your TENA at the end of the day,
and feel a sense of peace inside.
4 •
Four
DON’T:
Avoid conflict and/or communication. DO:
Communicate and Resolve.
Perhaps you learned to keep your feelings inside or avoid conflicts.
Know this: lack of communication is a breeder of resentment
– and resentment is a relationship killer! Even if it
is scary or difficult, take accountability to resolve your conflicts,
and communicate your needs (see article below on Responsible
Communication).
5 • Five
DON’T: Say “whatever”
or “I don’t know” to your personal issues.
Each time you say a variation of those two phrases, you move
away from getting to know how to take care of your self and
personal issues.
DO: Take
the time to get to know your personal issues – and take
care of them. The only way for you to grow is to get
to know your issues, and take care of them. Anytime you avoid
your challenges, you move farther away from taking accountability
for your happiness. Most likely if you don’t take the
time to work out your issues, the same movie will play over
and over again until you do. It may be challenging – but
the discomfort can be a great opportunity for you to learn and
grow.
Exercise: For one week:
At the end of each day look in the "mirror"
and ask yourself, “How do I feel about myself today?”
Write down your answer. Then brainstorm about ways that you
can take accountability for your TENA.
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© 2007-2008 Aimee Zakrewski Clark: Excerpts taken from
Aimee Zakrewski Clark’s book entitled, “YOU”
– not yet published: www.azgrowth.com
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Article
2: Responsible Communication During Conflict
Staying in your Adult Energy vs. Child Energy
Jump to: Child Energy • Tips
to stay in Adult
One of the most challenging interactions that two
people can have is trying to communicate effectively during
conflict. Usually, a conflict can bring out your worst qualities:
stubbornness, criticism, pride, and various other forms of antagonistic
behavior. Essentially…you begin to act like children!
When this happens, look out for flying sand and jabs below the
belt! Because usually, when we are in our child energy –
we are not very responsible communicators and it can get down
right silly (and ugly!). Undoubtedly, one or both end up feeling
hurt or not listened to and the conflict goes unresolved. And
when there’s lack of resolution, you can say hello to
one brick placed in the Wall of Resentment. Each time a
brick gets placed, the wall gets higher – and pretty soon,
you just cannot see the other person anymore.
But here’s the good news: each time you resolve
a conflict a brick gets removed (sometimes several bricks at
once!) and you can begin to see each other again.
Normally what leads to conflict resolution is Responsible Communication.
Responsible Communication goes hand in hand with taking accountability
for your self and your actions. It involves having the awareness
of what you are communicating, and how you are doing it. Essentially...you
begin to act more like adults!
The “How” vs. The “What”
Most of the time when there is conflict, it ends up being about
“how” you are communicating, versus “what”
you are communicating about. This can happen when you are both
in Child versus Adult energy. Have you ever watched two people
have an argument? They seem to shrink as the conflict goes on
and it ends up being two children arguing rather than two adults!
When you are arguing in Child Energy, there is a tendency to
act more from emotions than logic. There is also a tendency
to be more irrational. When you are communicating in Adult Energy,
there is opportunity for logical and rational thinking, which
is most effective when resolving conflict and problem solving.
Below are
examples of Child Energy and how you can stay more in your Adult
Energy during conflicts...
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How Child Energy
can show up (1): TOP
[Note from the author: There are many positive aspects of being
in your Child Energy. This article focuses only on being in
Child vs. Adult Energy when in conflict]
Rate yourself as you go using the following scale:
1 = Never do this behavior during conflict
2 = Rarely
3 = Sometimes
4 = Most of the time
5 = Always
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____ 1. Being Critical or Irrational: Using critical or judgmental
language:
Using “always” or “never”
“You never listen to me,” “I am always doing
everything around the house.”, “Things are never
going to change.”, or “I’m always going to
be disappointed by you for the rest of my life!”
Using “Why?”, “How come?”, “You
should…”
“Why did you go that way to the store? I don’t understand
how come you just don’t listen to me, you really should
follow my directions all of the time. Sheesh!”
____ 2. Being Contemptuous: Name-calling, eye-rolling,
sarcasm, mockery:
“Whatever
– you’re so stupid”, or “Oh, poor you,
your life is so hard and your husband is so
mean.”
____ 3. Being Defensive: Playing the
“I did this because you did that game.”
This can show up in the form of blaming and/or deflection,
“If you wouldn’t have raised your voice, then I
wouldn’t have called you stupid!”, or going
into the past, “The only reason why I called you
stupid is because you called me a jerk in that fight at your
parent’s house Christmas of last year!”
Nothing gets resolved, because both are too busy placing blame
and deflecting the responsibility onto the other.
____ 4. Closing off and Shutting Down: Silent but Deadly
(S.B.D)!
Abruptly leaving the room, giving the silent treatment, and
ignoring. This has the potential to trigger any abandonment
and/or rejection issues and leave a strong sense of lack of
resolution. I now refer to this as the S.B.D because it is a
very subtle, yet extremely debilitating form of Child energy.
Take a moment to score your self. If you scored higher than
a two in any of these areas, it’s a perfect time to take
some accountability. Overall, you want these types of childish
interactions to happen rarely, which means you may want to practice
staying in your Adult Energy when you are in conflict. Here’s
how you can do just that:
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Simple and logical
ways to stay in your Adult Energy:
Rate yourself as you go using the following scale:
1 = Never do this behavior during conflict
2 = Rarely
3 = Sometimes
4 = Most of the time
5 = Always
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____ 1. BREATHE. Slow the interaction down.
Sometimes when you are upset, you tend to hold your breath.
Allowing yourself to breathe will slow down your mind and help
you to stay more rational and reasonable (See #7).
____ 2. Take as long as you need (2).
This can mean:
a) Taking as much time and space as you need to calm down, collect
your thoughts and then come back and communicate, or
b) Once you are ready to communicate, breathe while you talk,
and take as long as you need to say what you want to say.
____ 3. “I” statements vs. “You”
statements (2):
When you use “I” statements, you own your thoughts
and feelings. When you use “you” statements –
you place the responsibility onto the other person. An example:
YOU: “You never listen to me about the chores and you
are hurting me over and over again!”
I: “I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed about the amount
of house chores I do, and I feel hurt and not listened to when
I talk about this.”
____ 4. Make Specific Requests: Ask for what you need.
Many times, the couples I see will tell their partner what is
wrong and what they don’t like – and they will do
so relentlessly – but they forget to say what they do
like: what they want. The next step is to Make a Request
– ask for what you need.
Let’s use the example above:
“I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed about the amount
of house chores I do, and I feel hurt and not listened to when
I talk about this. What I would like is if
we could set a time to sit down, make a list of the chores,
and see how we can both feel considered. Will you please do
that with me?”
____ 5. Don’t convince or Fix. Relate (2).
When a person expresses their feelings, there is a
desire to feel heard and related to. When you convince, it leads
the other person to feel discounted. Here is an example:
Partner 1 says: “I feel hurt because I thought
we were going to spend some time together this morning.”
Convincing/Fixing response:
“Well, don’t – we have plenty of time to spend
together for the rest of our lives!”
Relating response:
“I’m sorry you feel hurt. I misunderstood our plans
and I bet that was disappointing to wait for me all morning.”
Relating versus convincing is key to a successful listening/hearing
transaction. RELATE versus FIX: Sometimes a person just wants
to feel listened to. This is the essential goal when we are
relating. The goal is not for the person to think the way that
you think or for you to find solutions to solve their problem.
Relating helps your job to be much easier - rather
than feeling responsible to have to fix the person, all you
need to do is hold the space and listen!
____ 6. Listen with Empathy: Keep in mind,
just because it does not bother you – does not mean it
is not valid. “Your” way is not “The”
way.
____ 7. Stay Rational and Reasonable. Children
have a tendency to go into extremes and irrational thoughts
when they are upset. “We NEVER have any fun!” or
“You ALWAYS are too busy to play with me!” As adults,
you want to stay in your rational thinking, which will allow
you to stay in the present and resolve the conflict.
____ 8. Stay in the Present Conflict. Focus
on the conflict at hand. It is very easy to try to deflect or
defend by bringing in old fights. This just adds to the unreasonable
behavior.
____ 9. Take Turns! Too may times people end up talking
over each other – wanting to make sure that their thoughts
and feelings get heard. Follow #1 and then make an adult decision
over who gets to go first.
And here’s the go to tip if all the above seems
to go down the tubes: Always, always, always take
accountability and ownership for what you have said and done.
Give yourself and your partner permission to discuss anything
that was particularly hurtful, and clarify, comfort, and reassure
each other. This will allow you to ensure that absolutely no
bricks were placed in your potential Wall of Resentment.
Take a moment to score your self. For this self-assessment,
you want to score high in each area. The higher your score,
the more you are able to stay in your Adult Energy during conflict.
Overall, what’s needed is practice and repetition. Pick
one or two to focus on and keep practicing until it becomes
a natural part of your behaviors.
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© 2007-2008 Aimee Zakrewski Clark: Excerpts taken from
Aimee Zakrewski Clark’s book entitled, “US”
– not yet published: www.azgrowth.com
Resources:
(1) Gottman, John. 1994. Adapted from
the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse teachings in Why Marriages
Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
(2 ) Dr. Barry Green’s teachings
of Three Principles of Communication
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Article
3: Relationship Quickie:
7 Basic Rules to Being Responsible in Your Relationships
(in
no particular order)
1. Know what you want and need.
A person cannot give you what you need until you know what you
need. In order to clearly state what you need, you must know
what your needs are. And then…
2. Ask for what you want and need.
Contrary to how much we wish this were true: a person cannot
read your mind so don’t expect them to. If there is something
that you want, need, and/or desire – ask for it. Most
people will not know exactly what you want and the best way
to get your needs met is to directly ask for it. As long as
the need is reasonable, most people will be happy to support
you. And the ones that don’t, you might want to decide
if that person belongs in your life.
3. Check out assumptions.
Too many times we get upset based on assumptions. Don’t
feel hurt or angry based on what “might” happen
or what you “assume” has happened. When you feel
doubt – ask questions. Allow yourself to live in what’s
factual and move as far away from making assumptions as possible.
4. Be responsible in your communication.
Expressing hurt and anger does not have to be an argument, it
can happen through responsible communication. Watching what
you say and how you say it. Even if the other person is being
contemptuous, you have the choice in how you respond.
5. Be Empathetic. Don’t Discount.
As per Encarta’s World English Dictionary: empathy is
“the ability to identify with and understand another person’s
feelings or difficulties”. Honor the person’s feelings.
It’s real for them, even if it’s not real for you.
Even if you don’t understand it, try.
6. Your way is not “the” way. Get
more acquainted with the phrase "teamwork".
As long as you are attempting to mesh your life with another
person’s, life is very rarely black and white. Always
consider and respect that both of you have come from different
upbringings, which means different learning. This will help
you to live in the gray and move from “MY” way to
“OUR” way.
7. Breathe. Slow down and think about what
you are doing and saying.
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Keep
checking out the Relationship Quickies for tips and information
about all types of relationships. Next month: Relationship Killers.
©
2007-2008 Aimee Zakrewski Clark: Excerpts taken from Aimee Zakrewski
Clark’s book entitled, “US” – not yet
published: www.azgrowth.com
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